remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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