If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
