I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
