Don't make out with my wife yet
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
