be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
