i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
