Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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