My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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