Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
