I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
