I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
