so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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