I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
