im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
