You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
