dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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