she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
