Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
