there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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