Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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