Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
