He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
