my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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