DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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