The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
