wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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