I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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