When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
