Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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