Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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