I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
