Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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