I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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