Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
