Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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