Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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