Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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