i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Randomize
