Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
