Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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