my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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