hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
