I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
