): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
