life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I did not marry a roomba.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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