We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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