The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
