Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
