Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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