I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
