She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i came on her dog
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
