first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
